The other night, actually, it was Memorial Day Monday, I was going through my nightly routine of listing off all the reasons I should hate myself.
The list usually starts with, you ate too much, you're ugly, you're rude, you embarrassed yourself and made other people uncomfortable, you looked horrible. You're ugly and your outfit was an offense to the eyes of everyone which had the displeasure of encountering you, etc. etc. etc.
This is a routine I've spent the last 20 years of my life ending the day with, and when I'm done, I'll either go to bed or start to drink.
However, I stopped drinking. So I don't have that mute button at the end of the day anymore.
But, Memorial Day Monday night was the first time I started in on my list and it shorted out.
I worked out, I didn't overeat, I was kind to everyone (to the best of my abilities), I didn't overspend that day...and as I was standing in the kitchen putting dishes in the dishwasher, this weird feeling of relief washed over me. Like, "wait, you weren't that bad today. You're okay and no one hates you right now."
I have so much more time! I have so much more freedom! I have so many more options on what I can do and how I can do it! I need a lot less sleep! (Olympic medal self loathing is exhausting. ) The fear of talking to literally anyone was omnicious and pernicious, and somehow, it's quieted.
Um. I think I'm getting better?