In the three months since last we spoke, I've made some ~changes~. The changes are all related, insomuch as they all run along the same thread that looks like: X makes me feel gross on the inside, I am out of control around it, and I can't do this anymore.
So, I'm trying to get better -- but at my core -- I don't know what I'm really, like, supposed to be doing with my life. I know I am getting rid of the following, and maybe it'll help get me there (wherever that is):
An unrelated fun fact: I am usually single (shocking!), but I keep a long running mental tab of good breakup songs. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. An unrelated for instance: I've wanted Better Off Alone to me my wedding song since I heard it as a fifth grader. Another "future wedding playlist extravaganza" is Crooked Teeth.
Break-ups for me seem like an imminent part of relationships with men and somehow I've installed this weird mental "safeguard" for it in the form of break-up songs for all times.
WITH ALL THAT BEING SAID: I was not prepared for this giant breakup (and honestly, I am never prepared -- despite the mental playlist). This great love of booze -- which, I'm sure I will write more about at a later date -- has been a tough but absolutely needed breakup. It feels good, but I still... miss it. But that obsession is starting to leave me, slowly.
- My Capital One Credit Cards
Along the same vein, I can't sit at work with all these fake dollars and not impulsively shop. It gives me a high and makes me happy and I love buying stuff. Like, way too much. I deleted those beautiful 12 digit numbers from my Amazon account and gave my shiny masters to my parents to lock in their safe, away from my compulsive little claws.
Sweet, sweet, Instagram. I was (am?) obsessed. We had to break up. I would wake up and IMMEDIATELY open Instagram every morning to catch up on everything I missed in the seven hours I was asleep.
As I write this, I know I'm actually lying, and if I'm being honest: I would wake up in the middle of the night and check it too most nights.
If I'm being even more honest, I would get drunk, pass out, and wake up abruptly at 2am, scroll obsessively through Instagram, start on Twitter and read an article and then go back to sleep.
I've been off it for about a month now, and I can't really say if I'm more productive without it. I have noticed I'm more at peace with my body (although, that's another lifelong journey) -- and I feel generally lighter.
- Bad-Influence Online People
I got rid of a lot of people on ~social media~ who make me generally want to die / feel insecure / feel aggressively bad about myself / who I feel want me to fail (I don't know how to quantify that, other than just saying, some people don't want the best for you).
So I blocked, unfollowed, restricted, and otherwise hid from a bunch of people who -- if the internet didn't exist -- would not be anywhere near my life ANYWAY. It felt good. It feels good.
- Charity Dash - My Online Persona
At the advent of my turning over a new leaf, I need a good old fashion rebrand. I'm not the same person I was, and I need a change. I'm not sure what my new name is going to be, but I know it'll come to me (just like Girls Talk Too came to me!). And hey, if you have any [good] suggestions, email me!
In the wake of all of these BIG LIFE CHANGES, I find myself stuck with myself, all the fucking time.
And being stuck with myself all the time, is making me think, like, what am I doing? Why am I not good at anything? What is my purpose in life? What should my actual job be? Why don't I have a clue? Why do I need more help than a baby?
I'm blankly staring. Maybe a career mentor could help? I feel like, in sobriety, my mind is a pack of horses racing through a field at all times and like, I don't know what to do with all that.
I'm going to leave it at this for now. Being sober is good. Not overspending hundreds of dollars on things I don't need is good. Instagram is decidedly bad for me. And I need a new name.
I think my purpose will show itself to me at some point, but I say that with a big scoop of squishy and dense uncertainty.
I take way fewer pictures of myself now, so no selfie gallery.
Follow me on twitter @girlstalktooo.